Changes, Chances, Choices

I am a big fan of change. Its not that I get bored easily or can't stay still for 2 minutes or something. I just like the idea of improvement, of adding value to what's already there because it's what we've all been doing for as long as we existed.

Yes, I miss being a child - sheltered and protected but I am who I am now because of the changes that molded my personality, guided my perception and shaped my perspective.

We have no choice but to embrace change - just as your smartphone or tablet lost its value cause the newest models hit the store. Even the quality of relationships you have changes - friends, family, career. Nothing stays the same...you have to adapt and keep your head above the water and you will even if you don't want to. Your survival instincts will make sure you do. 

Chances - how many of them have passed us by? What are the odds that I would have written about something else and not this one? This is a piece that's been conceptualized years before and have never seen the light of day until now. Have I done it 3 years ago, would it say the same? Could have I expressed myself better?

Once I was told I've gone far and accomplished much, I said thank you. Yet thought to myself, think again! I took the long and unpopular route to get to where I am. I took chances. I am rebellious. I bent rules, challenged the status quo. I didn't want to be contained or defined based on prevailing standards. I was different...and I am paying the price for it.

Choices, we all have 'em but we often pick the wrong ones and complain, complain and complain. That part I don't quite get. You made the choice, live with it. If you can't then choose to do so. If you're miserable, make the choice to be happy and act on it. If you're stuck, make the choice to get a move on and work on it...just like what Adelle sang, "I'll be my own savior..."

Point in mind: these are leverage. We can use them in every aspect of our lives, most of the time though, discomfort and fear paralyzes us. I don't blame you. I did. I've been there and in some way I still am.

As Capt. Nathan Algren puts it in The Last Samurai, "I believe a man does what he can until his destiny is revealed to him."

Revival

Having slept a few hours longer than usual yesterday, I feel revived. I've been up for 12 hours and haven't really done much but play games on Facebook and do some reading online. Missed a few days online adjusting to my new schedule and learning new stuff for work.

Today is Sunday and though I still have a lot of things to do, I can afford to stall a while because I'm enjoying the second day of another long weekend.:)

Happy Father's Day to all the Dads out there.


Today is also my alma mater's 46th founding anniversary. It was 2005 when I first came to PLM and now,6 years and 2 degrees later, I am not about to leave. Thank you for the wisdom, the knowledge, the people...truly you have been a wonderful influence and a life-changing experience. "Sa aking Pamantasang mahal, Mabuhay Ka!

Most significantly, today is the 150th birth anniversary of perhaps the most influential Filipino there ever was, Gat Jose Rizal. Doctor, author, artist, linguist, educator, nationalist. His life shaped and helped defined who we are today. The characters he shaped in his novels are still very much alive in Philippine society today and his teachings for love of our own still holds true.

I cannot speak of the fate of his mother's house, the life of his beloved Josephine Bracken after his execution, or if there ever was a retraction. Physically, he was like every bit of you and me but his life has always been lived for something bigger than himself and that what sets him apart.

A life lived with a purpose and commitment is truly inspiring. It made me look at my own...maybe you'll get to read that in here next time. :)

Reminiscing through the Eyes of Benjamin

Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people, were born to sit by a river. Some get struck by lightning. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people, dance.

Past 1:00 a.m. As usual I was channel surfing and I happened to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on HBO. And suddenly my mind wandered to the year before – when I first saw the movie. Till I was only paying very little attention to what I was watching and started missing old friends.

It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you.

Not that I was gone or anything...I haven’t set foot back in the Plaza since I left June last year. For some reason I always wanted to come and visit, I just couldn’t find a reason to do so. I don’t regret leaving. It was a decision, a circumstance that needed realization. I needed that to grow up. And I’m glad to have learned new things, met new people and been somewhere new since I left. I guess it’s because I couldn’t stay no matter how I wanted to. Regardless of the bonds formed and the comfort of it being home, I knew I couldn’t stay.

Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?

If I had any regrets in the year and a half that I was there, it is not having done more and not having done better. That knowledge is now a constant reminder to make the most out of every encounter and to put my best foot forward in anything and everything I do. Sure, there will be other times or chances but wasted time is gone and simply wasted. You can think about it over and over again but there’s nothing any of us can do.

You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.

One of the many blessings that came with my new job was getting to know a whole new different set of people, diverse and with varied interests as well. Their passion inspires me to go back into my roots and work on improving my own craft. Finding the motivation to write again, and this time on a more regular basis for me has both been a challenge and a reward.

Some days you never forget.

It was early last year when I first saw it thanks to Clint’s movies. It was one of those weekends me and my officemates have reserved to enjoy the accommodation being extended by the office for the mock sessions. It was perhaps a Saturday evening while we were all killing time and waiting for the testing window to come. Nothing out of the ordinary, just young professionals setting aside long-awaited and much-deserved rest days in the exigency of service. So, there we wait. Watching videos, playing games, browsing, occasionally playing music, eating, sleeping, fooling around trying to relax and relieve ourselves of stress while preparing for another few more hours of work. It was during one of these regular weekly bouts that I saw that flick together with Slumdog Millionaire, The Changeling, Bolt, Wolverine (minus the graphics) and many others.

Its funny how sometimes the people we remember the least make the greatest impression on us.

I never understood much of the technical details but the idea of being part of the project, of being there and making things happen and watching them happen is already a reward in itself. Getting to do it with people you knew and getting paid doing so for me is more of a consolation.

“Life can only be understood looking backward. It must be lived forward.” - [from the trailer]

I pretty much don’t have anything to write about Benjamin Button at all rather than having seen it in my workstation with my cheap headset on, hugging a throw pillow and with my electric fan running under my desk. It was late and a weekend so the office was quiet, dark and the AC was off so the place was freaking hot but was far from being empty. I also remember having technical problems later on which caused a delay in the activities. Then later having a meeting over breakfast in the conference room on a Sunday morning struggling with sleeplessness as I hurried of to class.

Funny as of this time I still don’t know how I managed to do that. All I know is that it was an experience larger than life and I admire those who still continue making such sacrifices. Every now and then whenever I pass by that great building boasting its brilliance against the sun and sparkling against the breeze from the bay, I feel an overwhelming sense of pride. Honored to have been part of it all even just for a while.

Your life is defined by its opportunities... even the ones you miss.

And now, I’m in the beginning again. Making another attempt. Trying one more time.

I’ve stumbled and fallen quite a number of times and yes, countless opportunities have gone by but if there’s a greater blessing I am thankful for, it is for the chances given continuously and the courage to try. Sure, I have big dreams and yes, I might never accomplish everything I dream of doing but the knowledge, the courage to try and having done so with your heart and soul in itself is already a worthwhile accomplishment.

For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Confessions from the depths of the mind of an INSOMNIAC..."Its still is YOU."

I never really noticed you at first. I knew you yes, but to me you were the quiet type…the one that never wanted that much attention but attention was yours to command. Took me nearly 4 months to finally notice – but was it what you had planned? Was it the way you wanted? I’m not quite sure.

The first time I got to look at you face to face…yeah, you can say there was a spark. I was taken by the eyes and the smile…There I was dripping from the rain and there you were standing right behind me flashing that charming boyish grin. I was caught by surprise when I turned back and my reflexes simply told me to just smile back. And this was sometime back December 2005.

And it took you a couple of weeks more to finally make a move. I was pre-occupied then, disillusioned I mean. And then came you who made me realize how foolish I was wasting my time and living on the edge, only loving someone but never loving myself. You dragged me back to existence, you know? You made me want myself back, my dignity, my pride and self-respect and all the other things I thought I lost; you just brought back hopes, and dreams and rainbows…in your own little way you made me realize that I want my heart back, my life back.

Early in 2006, there were the usual exchanges of glances and gestures and SMS and phone calls every now and then…we even planned a date that never materialized. Valentine’s Day came and you disappointed me. You’ve been asking me to call you all day and when I finally had the opportunity to, you said we should stop. Just like that…no excuses, no explanations…You just said that we can’t do it anymore. And I wanted to know why. You told me we’ll talk about it the next time we see each other…We never did.

In spite of that, you inspired me to finally make the “DECISION”. Or as my mum would put it, “The smartest thing I ever did in my entire life: Ending a nightmare already 2 years overdue.” You gave me enough reason to end a cycle of pain and heartache I inflicted upon myself. You helped me say goodbye to the old me – the one who I always thought I wanted to be.

No matter what’s been said, pretty much nothing’s changed. I couldn’t be mad at you and I could never be mad at myself because of what happened. We still hang out, we joked, laughed…we remained normal, polite people. Then came one night we got drunk and I ended up sleeping in your arms. And you said you love me. I didn’t want to hear it…no, of course I wanted to but what I didn’t know is if I should believe it. Then you said it again, “I love you.”

I just snuggled closer to you and said back, “I love you, too.”

We had a conflict barely 2 months later. It was nobody’s fault, I guess I just carried away. I had absolutely no right whatsoever being mad…after all we never made any arrangements. I reacted violently. And that’s when you began keeping your distance. My bad, my loss.

Time passed by and we began drifting apart…or to be precise: you drifted away. What am I to do? I can’t hold you back or hold you down…and so you slipped away. Days came and went, yes it was irritating…hurting even, but I got the message…you were moving on. We are…I mean, I am over.

Though the politeness remained, it all ended there. It wasn’t until the following year that you began sending signals again. But this time, I was hesitant, afraid of repeating the same mistakes. And so I kept my defenses up and kept my distance…And you never insisted – maybe it was for the better because you couldn’t promise anything either.

Last February, on the last day of class I was pissed by the group and I wasn’t exactly in the mood for celebrating. I recall you saying the year before, “Akala mo susuyuin kita?” And that afternoon, you did just that. You talked me to re-joining the group and you walked me there slowly holding my hand…sadly, the moment I got into party mode, you were gone.

And that was six months ago.

You never came for compre or the pictorial or graduation day. All they told me was that you left for Japan or somewhere without a word and nobody knows if you’re coming back and when.

There have been flings and flirtations after you…And I thought I was okay and was movin’ on…that I was over us, or you, I mean…But am not. They say, “Distance make the heart grow fonder.” It’s true.

I don’t know when or if I’ll ever see you again, but I realized now I did mean it when I said I love you the year before. I love you. I love you. I have loved you since then, I love you ‘til now.

But you’re gone.

Borrowing a line from a local flick I saw the other night:

“Ganyan talaga ang buhay ng tao, mayro’ng umaalis, may bumabalik…depende na lang sa’yo kung gaano katagal ka maghihintay.”

Go with the flow. I know what I feel about you but there’s not much I can do about it. Sad, but it’s the status quo…thanks to chances, choices and changes…(Let’s talk about that some other time, okay?) Maybe sooner or later fate will have someone to take your place in my heart or maybe it’ll bring you back…nobody really knows what’s gonna happen. All I know is the way I feel and that I wish you happiness wherever you are…much more than I wish you were mine.

I’ve always believed there’s a reason why things turn out the way they do, regardless of the factors that influence our actions, things turn out the way they should. “One shouldn’t be too hard on one’s self if the object of one’s affection returns the favor with less enthusiasm than one would have wanted.” And though I’ve yet to understand why, I choose to accept and be true to who I am.

I don’t know where you are right now, I don’t even know if you’ll ever find out…All I know is that I have loved you all this time and that it never stopped.

In the previous entry, I said I don’t know what’s keepin’ me up lately…well, I lied.

Its still is you.


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Confessions from the depths of the mind of an INSOMNIAC...A Prologue

Yes, unfortunately we are looking at the familiar sorry state of my being: Another stupid sleepless night! BIATCH!!! Been like this again for the past three weeks…don’t really know what triggered it this time…feels like I’ve been cursed and all hell has broken lose…another damn sleepless night.

Looks like my tricks are failing me this time – had sleep management been in the curriculum, I would be flunking out with a very loud thud! I just don’t know what’s keeping me awake these days anymore…just when I finally have all the time to get a good night’s rest…Don’t you just hate it?

Thoughts just keep on jumping in and out of my head till about 3 to 2 hours before dawn. Frankly, its hell! Simply put, it’s just that: hell. Turning about in my bed; channel surfing on cable; switching from one radio station to another; movie marathons; reading blank on empty pages (well, don’t take it literally!); am even seriously considering taking up my brother on getting a Broadband; writing…pretty much just like now.

All the while you realize that the root of the problem is you! You are simply drowning in your own thoughts and emotions – hopes and worries, joys and fears, inspirations and frustrations, achievements and failures…Precisely like dreaming and having a nightmare all at the same time. More than once, I’ve asked myself: Am I going crazy? It seems to be the only rational way to characterize this entire affair: INSANITY.

Then by some divine intervention, you fall into that spell and get into that trance; you capture that very much sought after elusive sleep…Sweet, precious, priceless: SLEEP.

Sadly, quoting Keanu Reeves on Constantine, “There’s always a catch.” Before you get into that deep sleep stage or even near REM stage, half a dozen alarm clocks will buzz you back to existence from the depths of your reverie…And so another day begins in my so-called life! Not a-la Claire Danes…she’s not in my fave celebs’ list…doesn’t even come close! Lucid interval? No, not really. Plain and simple, it’s called REALITY!

So then I ask myself, “What keeps me goin’?” Only that deserves to be a topic of another exposition…maybe I’ll give you the answer tomorrow or some other day. Right now my eyelids are drooping…CIAO!

Girlfriend, get REAL

“It’s so teenager.” That’s a line I read from my former classmate’s Friendster blog. Come to think of it, lately I’ve been having thoughts regarding some stuff which I consider important in my life. If indeed some of them are immature, shallow, childish…trivial – you know if am bein’ like Cher in Clueless – makin’ a big fuss over a lot of irrelevant things…Like sooo…totally! Nyahahah!!!

Last Saturday, a li’l before midnight my high school pal sent me an SMS telling me she had a fight with her BF and that she’d decided to ask for some time and space…in small terms, they’ve decided to shift into a “cool off” mode. I don’t know exactly what the fight was all about but that line just hit me: It’s so TEENAGER.

Between my friends, I never really insist on anything when it comes to their relationship partners. For me, as long as they’re happy, am okay with it. They are welcome as long as they don’t mess up our lives or cramp our style…Hahaha, I wish! Seriously, they are welcome as long as my friends want them. It’s their lives, their decisions…and not mine. Not that I don’t care, it’s just that friendship has to have boundaries…you have to give your buddies space and the freedom to live their own lives…stuff like that will help them grow as a person and you to grow deeper as friends…the bond that will glue the friendship stronger.

Coming back to the SMS, am pretty disappointed with my girl maybe because I expected her to be wiser and smarter in terms of relating to men. She’ll be turning 25 next month, we’ve known each other for over a decade, and after a number of boyfriends and a failed marriage – which by the way is so totally not her fault…but that of her stupid husband – Nyahaha! I just thought that by now, she’d know better. I know, I know…I love the girl and all and she knows more than a thing or two when it comes to relationships , she just refuses to think straight!

Anyways, this is not about my friend alone…This is also about me and how or what I think about men and relationships. Right now I’m asking myself: Is it my friend who hasn’t learned about love and romance or is it I who have the problem? Have I become cynical? Deluded even? Or have I simply grown up? I’d prefer to think of it more as the latter – cynicism is not and will never be synonymous with realism.

Cynicism has no faith. It’s negative. It doesn’t dream, it doesn’t hope. With it, things like love, passion and romance are non-existent. It just criticizes and analyzes – there are no such things like magic and miracles.

Realism believes enough and knows enough what this faith can achieve. For the realist there’s always hope, and dreams most of the time can be worked into reality. To the realist emotions are real – it’s true, it exists, it has meaning. The realist asks, rationalizes. While it also doesn’t consider magic and miracles, it accepts the mysticism…That there are still events exact and actuarial science have yet to explain and that such occurrences cannot be denied.

And that is who I am now, a REALIST – well in terms of relationships anyways…Anything worth keeping and anything both parties are willing to work hard on and compromise upon in order to maintain is workable. There are always only two choices: GO or NO…no buts, no ifs, no maybes. Not now, not yet, not ready, am busy means: bye-bye baby. Either you keep it and nurture it or you leave it to die. Any relationship will never work when only one side wants to make it work. It’s a partnership that needs love, affection, consideration, commitment and mutual understanding from both parties (And that’s just for starters). One cannot be the loving, understanding, giving and forgiving alone. All emotions invested has to be returned ‘cause at one point in time the “loving” one will be exhausted…drained…he will be pushed to his limits…to the point of saturation…the threshold of tolerance…the edge of patience. And its not gonna be a pretty picture.

Believe me am the cheesy romantic type. I’ll write mushy letters and sweet silly rhymes; e-mail stupid love notes and will never get tired of greeting my man “Mawnins’ and Nytynyt, luv Us!” every single day. But the idea of unrequited love doesn’t have much appeal to me anymore. Given the choice, it’s something that I won’t make room for in my life. Why? Because it’s sad. Why hurt yourself sticking up with somebody who doesn’t see your real worth, who takes you for granted, laughs at your values and doesn’t respect your opinion? It’s sad. It’s hard.

Simply put: it’s just not worth it – both the person and the relationship. Uh, like we are now in the information age you know, like this is the most hi-tech period in the entire history of mankind…Like we have stuff called Microsoft, credit cards, Nokia, Prada, Brad Pitt, Dolce & Gabana, cars, make up…Fire’s already been invented…In short: Why waste your time for a caveman? Duh!!!

I don’t know about you but I think, the idea sucks…BIG TIME! Why hurt yourself in the process? Martyrdom might as well be a Romanticist concept, just like Communism (Let’s not get into that debate!) Plain and simple: It’s sick! It’s a distorted view of how relationships should be. If you must love like that at all, then take my word: DO it from a distance.

And puh-leease…Do not and I repeat Do NOT give me that “To have loved and lost is better than to have not loved at all” crap. Reality Check: You can never lose what you never had. Chances are what we had is but a disillusionment brought about by the promise of our own fairytale-dream-love-story.

We get our hearts “broken” because we let ourselves believe in dreams. No, am not bein’ cynical here, okay? See, we’re forgetting a key concept here: we are talking about dreams. And precisely that’s what they are: DREAMS. Hey, don’t go passing the judgment. I am an absolute optimist. Totally!!! Am an archer born on the year of the dog. It’s a fire sign. Western astrology and eastern zodiac will tell you that I live, weave and breathe dreams – but that mustn’t extinguish the fact that they are nothing more but dreams – most of the time they wont always come true…no matter how hard you work for it or how badly you wanted it. It’s not about quitting the belief or doing away with the dreaming part, its more of drawing the line between the real: which is what you have and the ideal, that which you dream of.

To sum up, this wasn’t written to shatter anybody’s illusions about love but as an eye opener to those who have yet to experience and a reminder to those who seem to have forgotten. For us to see what’s really happening and to re-assess things as they actually are and not as we want them or perceives them to be…To set aside all the fantasies and pretense and to get serious with business.

Maybe one day, you’ll look at things from a different angle and see it from my point of view. One enters a relationship because he wants commitment – it has to work both ways – with respect, acceptance, understanding and all that stuff and more. This may sound offensive, but reconsider what you’ve just read…

“So, you had a fight…Big deal! My advice: It’s so teenager, just get REAL!”

Recollections

It's been 2 years since I first discovered blogging and I've created several accounts to publish my thoughts on different aspects of life and living. And all my life I've tried to put everything goin' on in mi head on words. What I couldn't and cannot say, I write down. It's really nothing special, it’s just me and the insanity which is my life full of the lunacy weaved by my wild imagination...

So today, I start this new account to collect everything I’ve written all over the cyberworld in a single site and see what or how I've progressed or if I have had a changed of heart or if I had taken a different perspective...suffice it to say a paradigm shift...after all as a woman, it's my prerogative to change my mind. Nyahaha! Seriously though, maybe because adopting a different point of view and changing one's standpoint is a sign of maturity.

Ah, there's an absolute concept: "change". The only thing that is constant in this world...unavoidable…inevitable...It would take a lot out of us to be able to adapt to these changes but then what else can you do to prevent it, or run away from it? Nothing. All our efforts are futile because what’s bound to happen will happen…there is nothing we can do. NOTHING.

So we'll just face it and accept it as it comes.

Blogging...from the mind and the hand of a frustrated writer...I guess will just have to see how far the limitless capability of the internet and the vastness of cyberspace will permit us. WRITING...this is something I've been doing for quite some time, something that I've always loved doing all my life...

Freeedom, language, the words, life itself - precious blessings.

What more can I possibly say? I've been blessed with a lot of things...

I’ve been BLESSED with…

...A family who always stood beside me despite the bad decisions I made...who always accepted, understood and forgave;

...Friends both old and new who always stood by me through the years and I know will stand by me still in the coming years; friends who are never too busy and too far away to listen, to cheer me up, to inspire, to make me laugh, to be my crying shoulder when everything gets too much to bear, to be my strength when I’m too weak, too tired, too broken; friends ready to share all that is good and bad in life;

...People whose lives I've touched and whose lives have made a difference in mine...those that came and went as well as those who came and stayed;

...Colleagues whom have been both critics, friends and mentors;

...Mentors whom you have learned from and have learned form you;

...Critics whom made you see your flaws and faults and made you be careful before you make any action;

...Strangers who made you realize that there is so much more to learn, to live for, to love...knowing that you can impart them both love and knowledge as you yourself can learn from them;

…People who have driven us, inspired us, gave us deadlines, demanded from us the satisfaction of what was expected, made us deliver; those who we interacted with everyday as well as those whom we only met once or never met at all that have made an impact in our lives…

...The gift of words - the rhymes and verses, the essays, the journals...Words which enabled me to reflect on my own life and share my story and experiences with others;

Indeed there are a lot of things in my life that I am THANKFUL for…

...The events that have molded me and transformed me to who I am today -

...the opportunities that came and went because I was too preoccupied with something else, for in a way it makes me who I am today;

...the time gone by, deeds done and the words said which caused pain and could never be taken back again – because they made me stronger, wiser, tougher;

...the insatiable quest for truth, no matter how hurting it can be – because certain realizations opened my eyes: it separated the idealist and optimist from the realist…because not everything is attainable and that there is something called ‘impossible’;

...the love I have freely given yet been taken for granted and yet despite of which I still have so much love to give and that there are so many out there in need of it;

...the trusting confidence I have shown which have been betrayed for it taught me not to lose my faith but to choose whom I trust and believe;

...the second chances I gave and the chances I’ve been given – because it made me forgiving and because it means I’ve been forgiven; through it I was able to redeem myself – to start over and live again;

...the risks I never hesitated to take – because it didn’t only made me brave, I had some worthwhile reward; in a way it made me a skeptical and contemplating daredevil;

...the optimism that never faded and the hope that never left me, without which I wouldn’t have come this far and I wouldn’t be here today;

...the determination to live through my darkest hour – because it didn’t only made me a survivor, it rewarded me with sunshine and rainbows;

...my spirirt that refused to be crushed - that remained steady…because of which I remained whole;

...the smile and laughter that haven't abandoned my soul – because it never failed to lighten the burden...it always made me feel closer to home…

There's a lot in my life that I am thankful for and so I guess this is a way of saying thanks...to open up to others...to share...who I am apart from being me.