I never really noticed you at first. I knew you yes, but to me you were the quiet type…the one that never wanted that much attention but attention was yours to command. Took me nearly 4 months to finally notice – but was it what you had planned? Was it the way you wanted? I’m not quite sure.
The first time I got to look at you face to face…yeah, you can say there was a spark. I was taken by the eyes and the smile…There I was dripping from the rain and there you were standing right behind me flashing that charming boyish grin. I was caught by surprise when I turned back and my reflexes simply told me to just smile back. And this was sometime back December 2005.
And it took you a couple of weeks more to finally make a move. I was pre-occupied then, disillusioned I mean. And then came you who made me realize how foolish I was wasting my time and living on the edge, only loving someone but never loving myself. You dragged me back to existence, you know? You made me want myself back, my dignity, my pride and self-respect and all the other things I thought I lost; you just brought back hopes, and dreams and rainbows…in your own little way you made me realize that I want my heart back, my life back.
Early in 2006, there were the usual exchanges of glances and gestures and SMS and phone calls every now and then…we even planned a date that never materialized. Valentine’s Day came and you disappointed me. You’ve been asking me to call you all day and when I finally had the opportunity to, you said we should stop. Just like that…no excuses, no explanations…You just said that we can’t do it anymore. And I wanted to know why. You told me we’ll talk about it the next time we see each other…We never did.
In spite of that, you inspired me to finally make the “DECISION”. Or as my mum would put it, “The smartest thing I ever did in my entire life: Ending a nightmare already 2 years overdue.” You gave me enough reason to end a cycle of pain and heartache I inflicted upon myself. You helped me say goodbye to the old me – the one who I always thought I wanted to be.
No matter what’s been said, pretty much nothing’s changed. I couldn’t be mad at you and I could never be mad at myself because of what happened. We still hang out, we joked, laughed…we remained normal, polite people. Then came one night we got drunk and I ended up sleeping in your arms. And you said you love me. I didn’t want to hear it…no, of course I wanted to but what I didn’t know is if I should believe it. Then you said it again, “I love you.”
I just snuggled closer to you and said back, “I love you, too.”
We had a conflict barely 2 months later. It was nobody’s fault, I guess I just carried away. I had absolutely no right whatsoever being mad…after all we never made any arrangements. I reacted violently. And that’s when you began keeping your distance. My bad, my loss.
Time passed by and we began drifting apart…or to be precise: you drifted away. What am I to do? I can’t hold you back or hold you down…and so you slipped away. Days came and went, yes it was irritating…hurting even, but I got the message…you were moving on. We are…I mean, I am over.
Though the politeness remained, it all ended there. It wasn’t until the following year that you began sending signals again. But this time, I was hesitant, afraid of repeating the same mistakes. And so I kept my defenses up and kept my distance…And you never insisted – maybe it was for the better because you couldn’t promise anything either.
Last February, on the last day of class I was pissed by the group and I wasn’t exactly in the mood for celebrating. I recall you saying the year before, “Akala mo susuyuin kita?” And that afternoon, you did just that. You talked me to re-joining the group and you walked me there slowly holding my hand…sadly, the moment I got into party mode, you were gone.
And that was six months ago.
You never came for compre or the pictorial or graduation day. All they told me was that you left for Japan or somewhere without a word and nobody knows if you’re coming back and when.
There have been flings and flirtations after you…And I thought I was okay and was movin’ on…that I was over us, or you, I mean…But am not. They say, “Distance make the heart grow fonder.” It’s true.
I don’t know when or if I’ll ever see you again, but I realized now I did mean it when I said I love you the year before. I love you. I love you. I have loved you since then, I love you ‘til now.
But you’re gone.
Borrowing a line from a local flick I saw the other night:
The first time I got to look at you face to face…yeah, you can say there was a spark. I was taken by the eyes and the smile…There I was dripping from the rain and there you were standing right behind me flashing that charming boyish grin. I was caught by surprise when I turned back and my reflexes simply told me to just smile back. And this was sometime back December 2005.
And it took you a couple of weeks more to finally make a move. I was pre-occupied then, disillusioned I mean. And then came you who made me realize how foolish I was wasting my time and living on the edge, only loving someone but never loving myself. You dragged me back to existence, you know? You made me want myself back, my dignity, my pride and self-respect and all the other things I thought I lost; you just brought back hopes, and dreams and rainbows…in your own little way you made me realize that I want my heart back, my life back.
Early in 2006, there were the usual exchanges of glances and gestures and SMS and phone calls every now and then…we even planned a date that never materialized. Valentine’s Day came and you disappointed me. You’ve been asking me to call you all day and when I finally had the opportunity to, you said we should stop. Just like that…no excuses, no explanations…You just said that we can’t do it anymore. And I wanted to know why. You told me we’ll talk about it the next time we see each other…We never did.
In spite of that, you inspired me to finally make the “DECISION”. Or as my mum would put it, “The smartest thing I ever did in my entire life: Ending a nightmare already 2 years overdue.” You gave me enough reason to end a cycle of pain and heartache I inflicted upon myself. You helped me say goodbye to the old me – the one who I always thought I wanted to be.
No matter what’s been said, pretty much nothing’s changed. I couldn’t be mad at you and I could never be mad at myself because of what happened. We still hang out, we joked, laughed…we remained normal, polite people. Then came one night we got drunk and I ended up sleeping in your arms. And you said you love me. I didn’t want to hear it…no, of course I wanted to but what I didn’t know is if I should believe it. Then you said it again, “I love you.”
I just snuggled closer to you and said back, “I love you, too.”
We had a conflict barely 2 months later. It was nobody’s fault, I guess I just carried away. I had absolutely no right whatsoever being mad…after all we never made any arrangements. I reacted violently. And that’s when you began keeping your distance. My bad, my loss.
Time passed by and we began drifting apart…or to be precise: you drifted away. What am I to do? I can’t hold you back or hold you down…and so you slipped away. Days came and went, yes it was irritating…hurting even, but I got the message…you were moving on. We are…I mean, I am over.
Though the politeness remained, it all ended there. It wasn’t until the following year that you began sending signals again. But this time, I was hesitant, afraid of repeating the same mistakes. And so I kept my defenses up and kept my distance…And you never insisted – maybe it was for the better because you couldn’t promise anything either.
Last February, on the last day of class I was pissed by the group and I wasn’t exactly in the mood for celebrating. I recall you saying the year before, “Akala mo susuyuin kita?” And that afternoon, you did just that. You talked me to re-joining the group and you walked me there slowly holding my hand…sadly, the moment I got into party mode, you were gone.
And that was six months ago.
You never came for compre or the pictorial or graduation day. All they told me was that you left for Japan or somewhere without a word and nobody knows if you’re coming back and when.
There have been flings and flirtations after you…And I thought I was okay and was movin’ on…that I was over us, or you, I mean…But am not. They say, “Distance make the heart grow fonder.” It’s true.
I don’t know when or if I’ll ever see you again, but I realized now I did mean it when I said I love you the year before. I love you. I love you. I have loved you since then, I love you ‘til now.
But you’re gone.
Borrowing a line from a local flick I saw the other night:
“Ganyan talaga ang buhay ng tao, mayro’ng umaalis, may bumabalik…depende na lang sa’yo kung gaano katagal ka maghihintay.”
Go with the flow. I know what I feel about you but there’s not much I can do about it. Sad, but it’s the status quo…thanks to chances, choices and changes…(Let’s talk about that some other time, okay?) Maybe sooner or later fate will have someone to take your place in my heart or maybe it’ll bring you back…nobody really knows what’s gonna happen. All I know is the way I feel and that I wish you happiness wherever you are…much more than I wish you were mine.
I’ve always believed there’s a reason why things turn out the way they do, regardless of the factors that influence our actions, things turn out the way they should. “One shouldn’t be too hard on one’s self if the object of one’s affection returns the favor with less enthusiasm than one would have wanted.” And though I’ve yet to understand why, I choose to accept and be true to who I am.
I don’t know where you are right now, I don’t even know if you’ll ever find out…All I know is that I have loved you all this time and that it never stopped.
In the previous entry, I said I don’t know what’s keepin’ me up lately…well, I lied.
Its still is you.
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